Chapter 4 - THE BLUE LEDGER
The ledger was not hidden.
It sat in the nursery desk.
Dark blue leather.
Harcourt crest embossed in one corner.
I had walked past it dozens of times.
Never opened it.
Claire had.
At first she assumed it was a feeding log.
Page One:
NOAH JAMES HARCOURT
FIRST MALE CHILD OF GRAHAM HARCOURT
POSTPARTUM HOUSEHOLD PERIOD — 40 DAYS
Then columns.
FEEDING.
SLEEP.
WEIGHT.
MOTHER REST.
MOTHER MEDICATION.
VISITOR COMPLIANCE.
HOUSEHOLD OBSERVATIONS.
The last column contained Vivian’s handwriting.
Day 3:
Claire resistant to waking baby at scheduled time.
Day 4:
Claire cried after lactation consult. Emotional.
Day 5:
Hospital return. Medical system reinforcing anxiety.
Day 7:
Graham absent for business. Claire relies on outside nurse advice.
Day 9:
Claire refuses family tea.
Day 11:
Claire takes Noah outside nursery without informing staff.
Day 12:
Claire insists on unscheduled feeding.
Day 14:
Medication still being used.
The word still bothered me.
As if Claire had been failing to discontinue something she was supposed to stop.
Then page nineteen.
MATERNAL READINESS.
No formal scale.
Vivian invented ratings.
Composed.
Cooperative.
Rested.
Receptive to instruction.
Respectful of household tradition.
Claire scored poorly whenever she said no.
One entry:
Mother prioritizes personal preference over heir routine.
Personal preference:
Claire took Noah into our bedroom at night instead of leaving him in the nursery with the night nanny.
Another:
Mother demonstrates possessiveness.
Possessiveness meant she asked a guest to wash hands before holding her three-week-old son.
Another:
Mother uses physician authority to challenge family experience.
I stared at that sentence.
Not:
doctor gives conflicting advice.
Physician authority.
The rival institution had been named.
Doctors.
Not because my mother hated medicine.
She received excellent medical care herself.
May you like
Because medical advice gave Claire a source of authority Vivian could not overrule.
That was becoming the pattern.
