Chapter 22 - ELIAS ASKS WHY
At five, Elias asked:
“Why doesn’t Grandma V come to all family stuff?”
Children notice patterns.
I said:
“Because adults sometimes need boundaries after someone makes unsafe choices.”
“What choice?”
Age appropriate.
“She hurt me when you were still in my belly and tried to pressure me about our house and marriage.”
His eyes widened.
“She hurt me?”
“No.”
Important.
“You were safe.”
“Did Daddy fight her?”
Gideon answered.
“I got very angry and broke a table.”
Elias looked fascinated.
“A whole table?”
Wrong detail.
“Yes.”
“Awesome.”
“No.”
Gideon and I said together.
He frowned.
Gideon continued:
“It was dangerous and I had to take responsibility for that.”
“Grandma got trouble?”
“Yes.”
“Daddy too?”
“Yes.”
He considered.
“Mom no?”
“I got shoved under table.”
He thought.
“That’s rude.”
Understatement.
Then:
“Do you love Grandma?”
Gideon said:
“Yes.”
“Mom?”
I took longer.
“I care what happens to her. Love is complicated.”
Elias accepted.
Children do not need adults to lie about affection either.
Then he asked:
“Does Grandma love you?”
I said:
“I think she does now in a safer way than she did then.”
That was maybe too sophisticated.
He nodded anyway.
Then:
“Can she come birthday?”
His sixth birthday.
I looked at Gideon.
No instant answer.
We discussed privately.
Conditions no longer severe.
Vivienne had been safe in limited contact for years.
I said yes.
She came.
Not head of table.
Not guest of honor.
Brought a science kit because Elias liked volcanoes.
Asked before giving.
Good.
Laurel came too.
Brenda not.
My parents.
Clara.
Friends.
No hierarchy.
During cake, Elias climbed into Vivienne’s lap voluntarily.
I watched her face.
She closed her eyes.
Did not squeeze him too hard.
Did not look at me triumphantly.
Good.
Then he jumped down to chase a balloon.
Moment over.
May you like
That was better.
No possession.
