Chapter 13 - “I CAN’T DO FOUR”
Every parent says something they do not want used in court.
Mine:
“I don’t know how we’re going to do four kids.”
Said to my sister at twenty-eight weeks pregnant.
Recorded?
No.
Investigator interviewed people.
Another:
“If one baby stayed in NICU longer, at least we could adjust gradually.”
Said after doctor explained preterm risk.
Not wishing a baby away.
Another:
“I’m terrified.”
Obviously.
Another:
“I wish this pregnancy had been one.”
That one hurt.
I had said it once.
After fourteen weeks of vomiting.
Not:
I wish one child did not exist.
I wished pregnancy were easier.
Eleanor’s investigator put the sentence under:
MATERNAL AMBIVALENCE.
I stared.
“This is disgusting.”
Naomi said:
“It’s also contextless.”
The investigator testified:
Eleanor hired him to assess “family readiness.”
Did he know adoption plan?
No.
He thought family office was planning support.
Again.
A paid professional accepting a vague purpose.
His report contained no conclusion I wanted to abandon a child.
Eleanor’s later memo selected lines.
That mattered.
Then one real mistake of mine returned.
During pregnancy, I had asked Vanessa:
“Would you ever want to help overnight when the babies come?”
She said:
“I’d move in.”
We laughed.
Eleanor later characterized:
Claire offered Vanessa a caregiving role.
True at tiny level.
Not adoption.
Context.
Vanessa testified.
“Claire meant babysitting.”
Good.
Then the $380,000 continuity audit.
Results:
$170,000 legitimate trust counsel.
$72,000 fertility-law analysis requested by Vanessa.
$48,000 private investigator.
$36,000 family consultant.
$24,000 adoption-agency retainers never activated.
$30,000 miscellaneous administration.
Were adoption retainers authorized?
Eleanor had opened files with two agencies under Vanessa’s name.
Vanessa signed intake at one.
No child identified.
No crime.
But using trust funds to explore adoption purely to preserve governance raised fiduciary conflict.
Hawthorne demanded reimbursement for investigator and certain planning costs:
$108,000 initially.
Eleanor disputed.
Civil process.
Then criminal case approached.
Prosecutor offered plea:
Interference with infant identification.
Child endangerment.
Probation plus short custodial term or home confinement depending judge.
No attempted kidnapping count.
Eleanor rejected.
She wanted trial.
Why?
Conviction would damage appeal and public status.
Vanessa begged her to accept responsibility.
Eleanor said:
“I did nothing but try to save your future.”
Vanessa answered:
“You almost used someone else’s baby as my retirement plan.”
Harsh.
Accurate emotionally.
Then Vanessa made a consequential decision.
She stopped fertility treatment.
Not forever.
For now.
“I can’t tell whether I want a child or I want to beat the deadline.”
That was wise.
She wrote Hawthorne:
I will not pursue adoption or fertility treatment for the purpose of satisfying the trust deadline.
Could she still have a child naturally before thirty-five?
Possible but unlikely.
Not relevant.
She let uncertainty stand.
Eleanor panicked.
Then tried another route.
She proposed amending trust to extend Vanessa deadline by two years.
Could trust be amended?
Only under limited modification doctrine with court approval and beneficiary interests.
Employee trust opposed.
Vanessa opposed.
Arthur’s intent clear.
Court scheduled hearing.
Conflict continued.
Then Adrian and I fought.
Not about Eleanor.
About work.
His parental leave ending.
“You’re going back?”
“I have to.”
“You own part of a company.”
“I work for another company.”
True.
He was an orthopedic-device executive.
Not Whitmore Care.
“I need you.”
“I know.”
“Then stay.”
“For how long?”
I heard myself.
Control.
Fear.
He heard it too.
We stopped.
We made schedule.
He reduced travel.
Not quit.
My mother increased visits.
Night nurse stayed.
Support without possession.
That mattered.
Then my anxiety improved slowly.
No magical recovery.
I still checked bands.
The babies no longer wore hospital ID bands, obviously.
I checked breathing instead.
Therapy.
Sleep.
Medication.
Time.
Then Noah brought home a drawing.
Four siblings.
He had written:
LUCY MAE ELISE ALL OURS.
I cried.
He looked alarmed.
“Good cry?”
“Yes.”
Then:
“Grandma knows?”
I took time.
“She knows.”
“Does she believe?”
I thought of everything.
“Yes.”
“Then why?”
Because belief and behavior are different.
“Because knowing something doesn’t always make people do the right thing.”
Noah nodded.
He had already learned too much.
May you like
The criminal trial would start in three weeks.
And for once, the children would not be there.
