Chapter 7 - THE OLD NOTEBOOKS
I did not receive the originals.
Police/CPS copied relevant portions after Helen voluntarily turned them over.
My lawyer obtained them through discovery in the family proceeding Richard eventually initiated.
Three spiral notebooks.
1989–1991.
1992–1994.
2024–2025.
The last one:
ETHAN.
The first:
MICHAEL.
I was four.
Same age.
My father’s handwriting.
Block letters.
Not diary.
Columns.
TASK.
REACTION.
RESET.
RESULT.
One entry:
BIKE — REMOVE TRAINING WHEELS.
Reaction:
Cried 18 min.
Reset:
Back on seat x4.
Result:
Completed driveway.
Helen’s handwriting beside:
No fall after third.
Another:
BLANKET.
Reaction:
Screamed/asked Mom.
Reset:
Remove overnight.
Result:
Slept 2:10 a.m.
Helen later told me washing machine destroyed blanket.
No.
Next:
COLD.
What?
Outdoor hose? I felt sick.
Task:
Finish yard cleanup in light rain.
Reaction:
Wanted jacket.
Reset:
5 more min.
Helen note:
Too cold. Ended early.
Richard:
HELEN INTERFERED.
There.
He tracked her too.
Another:
CRYING AFTER FALL.
Result:
4 min.
Goal:
under 2.
My childhood reduced to metrics.
I shut notebook.
Laura sat beside me.
“You don’t have to read all.”
“I want to.”
“No. You want control.”
I looked at her.
She was right.
Again.
My therapist—separate from anger class now—said:
“Read with purpose.”
Purpose:
Understand current risk.
Not excavate every scar.
So I focused on Ethan notebook.
Same structure.
TASK:
Bike balance.
REACTION:
Asked for Mommy.
RESET:
No call.
RESULT:
Cried 12 min.
Helen note:
Too much. Gave water.
Richard:
DO NOT INTERRUPT.
Another:
FELIX.
Goal:
No comfort object during activity.
Reaction:
Wouldn’t start.
Reset:
Fox in closet.
Result:
Completed throwing.
Another:
GARAGE LINE.
Reason:
Tantrum after saying “I can’t.”
Time:
8 min.
Helen note:
4 min should be max.
Richard:
He left line twice. Restart.
Total perhaps twelve? Not exact.
Another:
SNACK.
Rule:
Finish three catches first.
Ethan cried.
Helen note:
Gave crackers after 20 min.
Richard:
UNDERMINED.
Then one entry three weeks before birthday:
BIRTHDAY BIKE TEST.
I stopped.
Not spontaneous.
Written in advance.
Plan:
Michael buying bike.
Remove training wheels after first ride?
If Ethan refuses, Michael must choose whether to rescue.
Need Michael to see problem.
My chest tightened.
Laura whispered:
“What?”
I read aloud.
“Need Michael to see problem.”
Dad planned to use birthday bicycle as test.
Not necessarily to destroy it.
Next note:
If Michael interferes, conversation overdue.
Helen wrote in margin:
DO NOT DO THIS AT PARTY.
Richard circled:
WHY NOT?
There.
Birthday conflict was planned.
The destruction perhaps not.
But confrontation was.
He intended to force Ethan past fear in front of me to prove my parenting was wrong.
Then final page, written two days before birthday:
Ethan still cries to control adults.
Michael did same until rules consistent.
Laura encourages it.
Need father to lead.
My hands shook.
He thought he was saving us.
That was the disturbing part.
No secret pleasure.
No child-hating.
A doctrine.
Then an older page from my notebook at age seven:
Michael no longer asks Mom during practice.
Result:
GOOD.
That line destroyed me.
Because I remembered being proud that Dad praised me for not calling her.
I had thought it was maturity.
Maybe it was adaptation.
Then Helen’s annotations became increasingly different over years.
Early:
Cried 10.
Later:
Cried 3.
But different ink on some numbers.
Cross-outs.
She had falsified.
Then an entry:
Richard wants five laps.
Michael wheezing.
Stopped at three.
Told Richard completed five.
She lied to protect me.
Then next:
Richard found out.
Argument.
No further.
Maybe that was why I remembered them screaming one night.
The notebooks did not prove every childhood memory.
They proved system.
Then current notebook.
Helen had used same strategy.
Ethan stood line 14 minutes?
She wrote four.
Richard corrected later:
HELEN AGAIN.
They fought.
One entry:
Helmet.
Richard:
Remove.
Helen:
NO.
Then overwritten:
Did 1 run only. Helmet back.
She had actively limited.
Still allowed first run.
Why?
Fear of husband.
Belief in some philosophy.
Habit.
All.
Then CPS substantiated emotional maltreatment/inappropriate discipline by Richard and failure to protect by Helen? Depending agency categories. They issued findings:
Richard: substantiated inappropriate physical/emotional discipline creating risk.
Helen: substantiated failure to protect/participation, with mitigating cooperation.
No automatic criminal conviction.
Prosecutor reviewed.
Specific no-helmet incident and prolonged confinement not enough for felony.
Could support misdemeanor child endangerment.
They charged Richard with one misdemeanor reckless endangerment count tied to intentional removal of helmet during forced riding exercise and one child endangerment count related to punitive garage confinement? Maybe too much. Let's say one consolidated misdemeanor child-endangerment count.
Helen not criminally charged initially due cooperation and lack direct endangering act, though her role remained in family court.
Richard exploded.
Filed grandparent visitation petition immediately.
Legal standing weak but his attorney argued substantial relationship.
Both parents fit and united.
He also alleged:
Michael had violent instability.
Proof:
Car window.
Diversion.
Past bar fight.
Anger treatment.
He asked for supervised grandparent contact pending hearing.
With himself and Helen jointly.
Helen withdrew as petitioner.
That changed everything.
She retained her own attorney.
Filed statement:
“I do not believe contact should occur until Richard accepts professional guidance and Ethan’s therapist supports it.”
Dad called it betrayal.
She moved into a hotel.
Then Susan’s house.
After forty-six years.
Not divorce yet.
Separation.
The notebook broke their marriage open.
But she did not come to us.
Good.
We were not rescue center.
She had to stand on her own.
Then Ethan asked:
“Where Grandpa?”
Laura answered:
“At his house.”
“Grandma?”
“Staying with Aunt Susan.”
“Why?”
“Grown-up problems.”
“Because rules?”
“Partly.”
He thought.
“Did I make?”
“No.”
Immediate.
“Not even a little?”
“Not even a little.”
He nodded.
Then:
“Can Grandma come?”
Laura looked at me.
I was not ready.
Ethan was asking.
Not us.
We told Dr. Grant.
She recommended no contact yet until safety plan and Helen accountability session.
That would come.
First Richard’s petition.
May you like
And his insistence that nothing in the notebook was abuse.
Only parenting.
